“You ALWAYS say that…”
“You NEVER take the rubbish out…”
“You are always complaining about that…”
“I’m cleaning up after you all the time”
“You can’t understand me…”
“You never listen to me”
“NOTHING EVER pleases you!”
“Let’s just get divorced then…!”
Have you ever found yourself saying some of these phrases?
Then you may have succumbed to the absolute talk!
Don’t worry you are not alone, I have also found myself at times saying something like this!
As a couple, Hiroshi and I know each other the most, we are best friends and we talk about everything together. But that also means we know how to hurt each other and press each other’s buttons. Sometimes I just blurt out stuff because I know it’s going to STING! But I know sometimes I need to step back from my anger and watch my words. Speaking harsh words will have a lasting affect and I love my husband so I need to try and be wise with my words.
Our words are something that are long lasting and something we need to watch! And sometimes it can be as simple as our tone, or our choice of words that can totally change how they come across!
When we did our churches marriage course before getting married we were given advice to steer clear of these phrases/words and I think having that wisdom in our mind has helped our marriage a lot! If you have never done a christian pre-marriage course, I totally recommend it, even if you are not christian or are already married it is a good refresher!
The Absolute Talk
“Always/All the time” OR “Never/Nothing ever”
Is it true? Do they really do it all the time? Or never? Really??
In some cases it may be. But even still we cannot predict the future and our spouses might surprise us by doing the opposite of what we expect. But by using always/never in our sentences we are telling them we don’t have faith in them that they can change. This will not only discourage them, but make them feel less motivated to try! We could end up pushing them in a corner where they don’t want to try and change.
We need to let them know we have faith in them to change.
I have to say I have used these words a lot in my marriage, and every time it slips out I bite my tongue because I know it’s not true. And my husband really hates it when I use these words. It especially makes him think I am just focusing on the negative – all the times he didn’t pick his clothes up, or vacuum the floor, or change the kids clothes. But there are times when he does do those things so I need to give him credit for those too.
So rather than blurting out “you are always on your phone and you never listen to me” we could focus on the present and stick to the specific issue. “I would really like to talk to you now, it would be great if you could put your phone now”.
If it does become a reoccurring situation we could use words like “often” or “frequently” to soften the tone.
If you need to take time out before you chose your words, take time out!
Believing in our spouses is important and the words we use convey that.
This is something we need to continually work at in your marriage to cut out, I still find myself slipping sometimes, at those times I try to apologize and take back my words before I continue!
The Ultimatum Talk
“Let’s just get divorced”
Basically don’t say this!
What is marriage? It’s the union of two people becoming one, a commitment to each other that doesn’t break. Marriage is not meant to break, and you didn’t get married to get divorced. Marriage only works if divorce is not an option.
In the beginning of our marriage, I have said this once or twice and I regret it. Divorce is not an option in my marriage, so why say it.
Those times when I felt especially hot headed – I should have taken a break and calmed down ready to resolve the issue.
So why is this statement so easy to throw around in a marriage?
Sometimes we say it to manipulate our spouse to do what we want, or as a threat – if you don’t change/If you don’t do things my way and we use the ‘D’ word to hurt our spouse.
But it’s not just something to say because we are in the heat of an argument, or want an escape clause. We can’t take back what we say!!
Our words matter – especially in our relationship, so we should try to make sure our words are building up and not bringing our partners down. Sometimes this is hard in the heat of the moment I slip. That’s why I need more of God’s grace and wisdom to speak the right words at the right time. Sometimes pausing before we speaking and praying for God’s wisdom helps too!
These are just some words that can have a big affect on how we communicate with our spouse. Are there any phrases that you use in your marriage that have positive or negative effects?